On this holiday morning, are you worried about selecting quite the right present for a loved one? I always try, yet wherever I look the suggestions flood in with unhelpful suggestions. No, I have no desire for a scented wax with a poultry aroma, because we’ll be cooking turkey. Nor do I want a dawn-simulating clock, because opening the curtains open achieves the same thing. I certainly do not desire a facial mask containing fish-derived collagen, because that genetic material comes from milt. Were I seeking aquatic semen applied to my skin, I would tickle some pollocks.
Seeking Inspiration In the Animal Kingdom
So if you’re always looking for inspiration, I recommend: take a lesson from wildlife. Our species did not create gifting. The practice has existed for over a hundred million years, long before our species evolved. Aided by evolution, wild animals have had creatures plenty of time to master gift-giving. Indeed, certain arachnids even gift-wrap their offerings!
Leaving out exercise-related items and other things I dislike, we can identify five categories of holiday presents: food, things for the home, bling, skincare and apparel. The animal kingdom excels in every category.
Food Gifts: From Protein Snacks to Artisan Kebabs
Brazilian cuckoos give their partners high-protein snacks such as bugs, amphibians, and reptiles. However, for those who like their meat skewered, then look to the butcher bird, or Lanius excubitor. The males spear their catch, such as bugs and rodents, on sharp thorns and twigs crafting artisan kebabs.
Some insects present to their suitors salivary offerings, yet these are not ordinary globs. These are scorpionfly spitballs, crafted with only the finest saliva sourced from swollen salivary glands of only the fittest males. This offering is nutrient-dense, a key reason why the females favor males with big balls.
Another reason is that the fittest males produce the largest gifts. By "fit" I am not referring to physical appearance, though that may be true. I refer to genetic fitness.
These presents are offered prior to mating, thus, by selecting the male with the largest gift, the female is choosing superior genes. She then consumes the delicacy while mating but ends copulation as soon as it is finished. Larger gifts mean extended mating sessions, during which the male can transfer additional sperm and the female can’t mate with anyone else. This clarifies why he bothers creating such an intricate present.
Homeware and Shiny Objects
These Antarctic penguins do not offer food, but they do give nesting materials. In Antarctica, their home, one cannot find a hardware shop, so the birds must source their offerings from the local landscape. Every mating season, males collect pebbles to begin constructing their nest. The vital building blocks are rare, leading some chancers to steal pebbles from their neighbours. But when a male gives a pebble to a potential mate, it signals his readiness for commitment. Consider it the avian version of a diamond ring. The stone is not worn, though. If she also is interested, she accepts the gift and places it to the nest. Then, after a few final adjustments, they are ready to start their family.
Regarding shiny things, crows excel at this gift category. There are many stories of individuals who have befriended wild corvids and then been given bottle tops, screws, buttons and various glittering objects. In one notable case, two people in Florida were once given a diamond bracelet from a crow they often fed. This is particularly endearing since, whereas many creatures offer gifts hoping for mating opportunities, crows seem to just enjoy giving.
The Ultimate Multipurpose Present: Sea Sponges
In Western Australia, researchers have observed dolphins plucking clumps of sea sponge from the seabed and utilizing them in fascinating manners. On occasion, while foraging for fish, they wear the sponges over their rostrum to shield their sensitive snouts. And sometimes, when male dolphins wish to court females, they wear them as playful headwear before offering them as presents.
By doing this, dolphins brilliantly combine the last two categories of Christmas gift. Sea sponges serve as attire and skincare. To make it even better, when males give their sponge gifts, they often strike a curved “banana pose” and play a whistling sound via their blowhole.
This stands in contrast to the lackluster presents from pets – such as a cat presenting a deceased rodent in a hidden spot – or some people. Dolphin gifts are thoughtful, serve multiple uses, ethically gathered and presented with panache. We can all learn for all of us. A popular song claims that the only desire during the holidays “is you”, but if I have single holiday wish, it is to receive a sponge-hat-skin-protector from a cetacean who serenades me with style.
